Sticking (it) to Your Resolutions
From the Olsons
In staying with this month’s theme of “try it,” we’re sharing our approach to tackling New Year’s resolutions. Want success? Want respect? Want neat socks? So do we, but that’s not this column.
We can bore you with statistics that show 105 percent of all New Year’s resolutions fail, but obviously we’re not good with math. Traditional resolutions are a set-up for failure, and let’s be honest: who (but your mother-in-law) enjoys your failures?
Our surefire system allows you to cyber-shame anyone by touting your successes as they vague-book in mid-January seeking sympathy and support.
Your triumphs are sure to get you ostracized and unfriended; but who wants to be friends with trolls who can’t keep promises?
Let’s start with the most common resolutions and how to tackle them:
Become an Inspiration to Others. Create as much needless drama as possible. Then solve it. Simple! You appear smart, hard-working and philosophical.
Start a rumor, then be extremely offended when it comes back to you. Stand strong on the moral high ground you torched when you concocted the faux-news. Tip: Infuse air-quotes at the rumor’s inception; deploy the shock-n-horror expression when you hear it. #tryit
More Time with Family. The most successful way to make this work is if the added time is not with your own family. Aunt Janet is a peach of a gal, but she has a skewed version of reality and gives unsolicited advice while she’s chewing. Gross.
In the New Year, we will be hanging out with your relatives. Not only do they have great parties, but we get to leave whenever the hell we feel like it. #tryit
Give Up Smoking We plan on taking up smoking on December 31st this year. By January 1, the nicotine addiction won’t have time to take hold, so kicking the habit’s going to be easy. Talk about honest bragging rights! #tryit
Find Out Who Your “Tribe” Is. Start interjecting politics into every conversation and social media outlet possible. You’ll find out quickly who likes you for who you are.
Tip: Reference made-up social networking sites to send those people on a wild goose chase to take up their time. Our favorites are Panterist and FaceSpace. #tryit
Give Up Lists. It was either that or “give up hypocrisy.” We’ll put that as our first one for next year…maybe. #tryit
Hopefully you’ll find these tips useful, practical and above all, achievable. We’re setting you up for success so all you have to give up is failure.
Happy New Year!